Reasons Why I'm Single

SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

Okay maybe not for the rest of my life but for the foreseeable future anyway. 

   I like being single. I like that the only person I have to worry about is myself and that I don't have to have a responsibility to be a good person all the time but I can be a bit wild and crazy without the fear of hurting someone. I like that I can get drunk whenever I want and know that the only person I need to worry about when I'm out is me. Sounds selfish and I guess that is but for someone who is young, starting their career and going through what seems like a mental block of how to feel it's better to be single then trying to make someone else happy when your energy should be going into making YOURSELF happy. 

The best way to describe this mental block that I'm having is like this:

I don't care enough to carry on any type of relationship with someone who has fucked me off. Plain and simple. 

That sounds a lot more harsh then it is trust me but what I mean is that instead of trying to fix a shattered mirror imma put that straight in the bin and get a brand spanking new one. Life is far too short to keep trying to mend what is already broken and so I'm just learning to cut out the shit and focus on me... and that is a reason as to why I'm single. I get things into my head that I can't stop thinking about and so once something happens that angers, upsets or just annoys me I find it hard to just let it slide. That's a flaw I am very aware of but also it's really helped me see the negativity that is being caused in my life and it is not wanted hun, You can stay in 2017. 

I'm single because I don't have the energy to do stuff like re-paint my awfully chipped nails or cut my annoyingly long fringe so why on earth should I put myself in the position to have someone trust me with their emotions. That's like... well scary. Once I sort my stuff out I think I'll open up to the idea a bit more but for now I can't go through with the pain of hurting someone else because I know all too well about the receiving and, more sadly, the giving on that one. 

Do you know what I am super duper bored of? Boys. I've met some super nice guys recently but because of  a certain few BOYS I can't help but think 'nope Soph it is a trap.' I want to take a bit of time to myself to realise my worth and to also GET OVER IT. For example I finally called it quits with a boy i've basically been on and off with for 6 years and bloody hell did that feel GOOOOOOD. He even said to me 'You just make me a dick' and so that is what made me finally realise us two were never meant to be. It's sad and I don't quite know when I will fully get over losing all those years but for now. if you're reading this ****, I wish you all the best you incredibly complicated, confusing but funny and charming human being. 

So that's why I'm single (obviously excluding the obvious part of other people dumping me because they just aren't that in to me) and that is why I want to stay single for a little while longer. Who knows next month I could be wifed up but right at this very moment in time I just want to be Sophie. Not 'Sophie and so and so.' Just Sophie. 

Soph x 

 

'Mum'

THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

Someone who I love very much went through a instance that involved an annual Christmas card from their distant dad. I never wanted to tell him how much it got me thinking about my 'mum' because I thought it was selfish but really it just shows that I still have some kind emotions towards the matter and I just don't know where to spill those emotions out..... so what better then here. My online diary I guess this is. Welcome to a very raw post. 

There are a lot of things that go through my mind when I think of my mum like why at 16 did you decide to abandon me or I am so much better without you. I see tweets or posts on facebook everyday about how a mothers love is unconditional and how they would do anything for you but my reality is a little bit different. I never complain or moan because I have my Dad, my step mum and my uncle and aunts whom I owe my whole life too but it doesn't stop what happened nor does it stop the hole that is left. 

  This isn't me saying I miss her or that I would love to see her again. Oh no this is a I am so fucking proud of myself and I hope you never know that. I hope you live your life full of happiness and achievements but I also hope it is without me. 

  'Mum' please remember the last time you heard me saying that word was when we were walking towards each other and how you looked into my eyes for a second and just stared through me. You just walked past as if you hadn't given birth to me and I was a complete stranger. I will always remember that feeling. It's what motivates me and what drives me. 

  I thought for a really long time about writing this and how I never wanted to give you the satisfaction but after 3 years of being without you with nothing but a 'happy 18th' I thought now was the time to let it all out. 

This is a thank you to my 'mum'. Thank you for showing me how much my dad loves me. Thank you for letting me go so I could finally live life. Thank you for causing me so much pain I can get through anything. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't live my life holding grudges but to always be the bigger person. There are a lot of things I can thank you for but not half as many as what I should thank my dad for because although you taught me to be everything you aren't, Dad taught me to be everything he is and if I can be half the person he is then all the heartbreak, the screaming matches, the lonely and scary nights as a teenager and the regret for blocking loved ones out for you will be all worth it. 

Thank you Dad for making me the Sophie I am today but most importantly thank you 'mum' for not. 

Soph.