For My Ex

I GOT DUMPED... AGAIN LOL

I'm glad I can write a blog to sort of take the mic of out myself a bit because if I didn't then this whole time I would of crumbled under the pressure of a heartbreak. This won't be a diss or a beefy post about why I hate people so much but more a 'you've got this gorl' kind of thing. 

Don't get me wrong I'm over the situation and what ever the fuck happened because it was quite bad but for me finally being able to write about how I'm feeling feels like a major milestone to me. So to answer my own question how do I feel? 

I feel self conscious and shit. I feel powerful and ready to take things on. I feel sad and lonely. I feel more mature and less weak. I feel everything. I feel heartless yet full of love for the people who didn't let me down like they did. I feel like I can't bare the thought of another heartbreak but I feel ready to go out and enjoy myself. I can't express to you have bizarre it is to feel every emotion at once but I'm glad I have experienced it and moved on from my mistakes.

I've learnt that a best friend can chose a boy over you. I've learnt that sometimes when people say 'I love you' they meant it for someone else. I've learnt that a best friend will tell you straight what is going on but let you learn from your own mistakes. I've learnt mental health is not as important as all these people tweet about. I've learnt a lot and I'm hoping on the opposite side of the story they all have too. 

See i'm completely heartbroken and a bit empty right now but it won't last. I have my family and friends who know me and who I am. I have personal goals I'm trying to complete and I have memories that are hard to let go of but proud to have. 

So this isn't just to my ex if you didn't guess, it's to all the ex's in my life... friends, boys and even family. Everything happens for a reason and I'm ready to move on even though it's not what I ever intended to do. Good luck and thank you for teaching me who loves me, who cares about me and what a real snake is. 

Soph x  

Being Single

DOES IT SUCK? 

I like being single. I like having my bed all to myself but I also like the idea of sharing it with someone on a hungover Sunday. I like being able to set as many alarms as I need in the morning without annoying someone although I do miss the lie ins I got if I compromised having just one alarm for a lift in. I like not having to fight girls off in a club but I did like the bit of arm candy that got girls a bit jealous.

 There’s a lot of things I miss about being in a relationship but I think being single is where I’m in my element for the time being. Being single lets you learn about yourself as an individual. You don’t have to worry about your partner leaving you for your best friend or whether or not they will still fancy you after you’re going to gain the inevitable bit of relationship weight. You do however have to worry about whether another person will fall in love with you like the last person may of or if you can in fact fall in love again with someone who isn’t your ex and You have to worry about whether or not there is actually plenty more fish in the sea. 

Being single doesn’t mean you have to be waiting for the next Prince Charming to come along. You may not even want to find someone and that part of your life may not be on your to do list at all. Or you may just be wanting to finally settle down and find the one. Both are fine and you just have to go with whatever flow but always make sure you’re number one. 

There’s pros and cons to both scenarios and some people prefer the pros and cons to one situation over the other. For me personally I hate the thought of being heartbroken again. It’s my biggest fear. So I think for now being single is a way to learn to love maself so if the time comes when a handsome man who is hopefully brad from the vamps wants to come and sweep me off my feet I don’t have the fear of being heartbroken anymore and I can actually enjoy being in a relationship. 

I miss cuddles on a Sunday but enjoy sleepovers on a Friday with my bestie. I miss going on dates but I love seeing my uncle and Aunty every Wednesday for dinner. I miss saying ‘I love you’ but I love getting to say that to people more worthy. 

Being single is okay, I promise. 

Soph x 

What The Start Of My Twenties Has Taught Me

HIYA 20

 Going into my twenties has not been as fabulous as I imagined. Don't get me wrong I would of loved an extra year (or 10) of being a teenager but beggars can't be choosers. I thought I would of started off this new decade with a job opportunity, the boyfriend and the great close circle of friends. I thought I would go into this with some motivation and without the self-doubt but would it really be a 'soph' thing to have what I thought I was going to get? ha.

But do you know what I don't have the boyfriend, the job or the friends. I have better. I have the BEST friend, the freedom to talk to whoever I want and do whatever I want and I have a plan to go travelling before I settle down in a career I don't think I'm 100% ready for. Things work out so weirdly and never ever to plan so you just gotta take every thing with a pinch of salt and keep moving forward.

Getting dumped sucks. I don't have to explain that to anyone. And getting dumped by your 'best friends' at the same time sucks even more but you just gotta dust yourself off and realise there is so much more to appreciate. I've made new friends and rekindled with old. I've been able to spend more time with my best friend without feeling guilty. I've grown some balls and finally slid into the DM's of someone I've well fancied for ages. I've felt bad about myself and had that overwhelming feeling of 'no ones gunna love me I'm ugly' and then told myself to shut up (this happens often) and move on. I've done a lot and not all good but fuck me has it been fun.

 I've been left on read, I've gone out to a indie kind of rock night, not drunk and had the BEST time. I've been on dates and also found that no one is quite like my ex and that is a good thing. I've been mugged off by boys like you wouldn't believe but also I think I may have potentially mugged off a few boys as well. I've laughed and cried. I've glammed up and on multiple occasionally looked like a sack of poo the morning after. I've gained a few kind of if you squint abs. And I've still not been able to delete the pictures and videos or even listen to the songs that remind me of who was in my life four months ago and who aren't sadly in my life now.

So although I had the 'worst' intro to the start of my twenties I've actually also had the best. Being an adult means taking a few hits but learning to deal with them by yourself whether that be by getting so drunk you cry or throw up or whether that be by the way to deal with being dumped is to eat your body weight in cookie dough to then bounce back and get the revenge body. But most importantly you have to learn how to cope with it yourself. Sure we have people around us but we need to know what we have done wrong and right, how to know our self-worth and most importantly who we should have in our lives to make it as stress free as possible.

Hiya twenties, let's have a bit of fun.

Soph x

I Have Regrets

F*** THE SYSTEM

I think in life we always regret something. Could be small or big. Little or huge. Could be meaningless or it could of meant quite a lot. We all say you should never regret a single thing in life because it's too short but whose to say we can't regret the things that's caused us too much pain we didn't need. I guess in a way that looks like we are running away from our problems but could it just be that we didn't want to feel the hurt?

I dunno about you but I regret a person. I regret the time I spent on them, I regret the messages I sent them with my unlimited texts. I regret lying on the sofa watching a programme I couldn't understand, the events I missed so I could just be with them. I regret it all. I don't think that's me running away from it but I think it's me wishing away a part of my life I wish I never had to go through. I don't regret the things that made me stronger or the things that taught me valuable lessons. No. I regret this one person because I'm being made to feel a way I shouldn't be made to feel. I feel like someone has control of me even though the thought of me doesn't even go through their mind, and I feel like I'll never forget any of these emotions or feelings. That's why I regret it because it changed who I am for the worse and to me, that's the worst kind of pain.

So do you know what? Who cares if I regret something, I can't take the time back even though I want to SO I at least want the feeling that I'm in control of this situation. I want to say 'I wish this never happened and I wish I never met you' because it makes me feel better about a scenario I will never be able to adapt.

Live each day like it's your last and regret whatever the bloody hell YOU want.

Soph

Karma, You Bitch

KINDA A BAD PERSON KINDA DON'T CARE

This last month has been bizarre to say the least. I've never really been one to believe in Karma but I've honestly had so many things happen to me in the last four or five weeks that I must of been Henry the 8th in a past life or something. 

I've done many stupid things that I wouldn't consider to be very Soph like and I've done really great and kinda brave things that again I wouldn't really consider to be a very me like thing but here we are and for some reason I have an extremely guilty conscious. I feel bad and actually seriously disappointing in myself. Not to the point I'm not going out and enjoying myself or anything like that but more like if I get a moment to myself (which is often) then my mind will wonder and think about stuff to the point I can put myself in a bit of a sad mood. 

I'm not trying to get a pity party or anything like that, promise. But I feel like at times you really do have to sit back and look at the moments where you gave in and reacted badly to a situation that maybe you wouldn't of reacted to in that way before and learn from it. I've really grown up this past month and let people go for their benefit and in other cases for mine. Some were extremely unexpected and kinda sad to think about but others have made me feel a sense of relief. And saying that I've gained closer relationships with people who were always there but I just felt so far from because I was so in my bubble. 

I don't want to feel guilty anymore and to be honest I really shouldn't because people have been quite shitty to me but you live and learn and I will never stop overthinking. I will never stop putting people before myself and I will never stop feeling sad about losing people because fuck it I'm only bloody human and I should be allowed to mess up. I should be allowed to be dramatic over certain things. And I should be allowed to feel like someone has royally fucked up because they lost me. Sorry not bloody sorry. 

So to my guilty conscious and my overthinking brain... have a day off because losing people, being mugged off constantly and being made to see red might just try you a tiny bit crazy too x 

Henry the 8th has nothing on me.  

Soph x 

That Little Thing Called Love

LOVE...

Who needs it right? Just joking, Everyone needs it and everyone deserves it. It's hard to deal with it because sometimes it sucks and then other times it's the best thing in the world but I think that's what that word truly means. It means ups and downs and being able to get through it. 

It means that sometimes you have to let people go because they or you deserve better and trust me that's a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes it means two people will always come back together because it's right (I'm hoping this one for myself but have little hope) and sometimes it means being insanely happy with yourself, a friend, a partner or with a family member with huge bumps but you never get out of the car. 

I say that I personally love really hard when it comes down to someone I can see in my future and I would say it's my best trait. I don't regret any part of any type of love I've ever shown even if it's backfired and I've fallen straight on my arse or when I get it in return. However I'm not someone who begs for love anymore, I fight for it instead and I don't think that's a bad thing either. I won't lie I am a man hater. I wasn't but here I am again back at it. But I will still fight for whatever I believe in. 

So send that person you love a hand written letter, tell them that they look nice, fight for someone you believe in until you can't fight anymore and most importantly love yourself as well because although sometimes it seems like you can't (and I promise you I know that feeling) but if you don't then how do you expect to know how you should be loved by another. 

You may spend days/weeks/months looking through old photos, crying to chick flicks while eating one too many tubs of ice cream, feeling like you can't possible find someone else but if the person is worth it then fight and even if they aren't cry a bit more, pick yourself up and show them what they are missing. Oh and don't forget to shower. 

We can all get through the crazy rollercoaster that is Love, I promise. 

Soph x 

What I've Learnt In 20 Years

GOODBYE TEENAGE YEARS

For me, the last twenty years of my life has been a rollercoaster like I'm sure it has been for the rest of us but as I woke up on the 13th of July 2018 one thought ran threw my mind.... I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. After I had a mini meltdown in my brain that I was no longer able to use the excuse that I'm a teenager I thought long and hard about the twenty years I've lived, until my boyfriend snored so loud I nearly burst an eardrum. 

I've learnt that no matter how HARD I try, I will just never have a salad over a large meaty pizza. I will never get over the fear of being in confined spaces (thanks to my brother and sister for that one) so much so I can't even think about them without feeling like I can't breathe. I will never enjoy sand in my toes or watching (brace yourself for this one) Spongebob Squarepants. I will never stop going to gigs even though my bank account cries at the thought of them. But I have learnt a few things that I hope will help me in my older years, things that will help me grow as a person.

I've learnt that I love hard and easy. Not easy in the sense that you can say hi and i'll be your number one fan but more like I fall in love with people easy when I see characteristics in them that I want to be like. I fall easy when I see someone with a good heart and intentions. I also fall REALLY easy if they have curly hair, can play guitar and is called Brad from the Vamps... just joking... or am i.... I am seriously not. 

I have learnt that you have to be kind and polite without any intentions behind your actions. You should do things just because and not for something. But with learning that I have also learnt that most of the time it does go unnoticed and you rarely get the kindness in return so keep your head up, don't get disappointed and carry on. One kind gesture goes a long way even if it's just you who knows it. 

Encouraging people with their dreams and goals is something that didn't take me long to figure out. I love how passionate people get and how they really involve themselves with what they love whether I am into it or not. Being supportive of someone can really do a lot without you or them realising it so let your boyfriend play guitar for hours on end even if you did want to watch love island, take photos for someone who is invested in their fashion/blog/instagram and feed the cat every weekend when your parents are running drift events for a drift family who love them just as much as I do. 

It is OKAY to not be OKAY. Sometimes I feel like I can't even leave my room because I'm pretty down and all I want is to face my bed and not the world. Some days I wake up fresh and ready for the day. Both of those situations are okay and no one is going to be perfect all the time. Speak about it, learn the best personal ways to deal with it, watch chick flicks all day while eating your body weight in chocolate but most importantly grow from it, it can only get easier if you let it. 

I have been taught so so so many things in the 2 decades of my existence but the one thing that will always be the most important is to stay true to yourself. There is only one me at the end of the day so I have to be the best version of myself on the good and the bad days, the days where I lose friendships and the days when I gain them, the days I can't wait to get to work and the days I can't wait for it to end and the days where I'm proud, happy, sad, annoyed, anxious, determined, passionate, tired and most importantly the days when I'm the kindest, most generous and most loving I can be. 

Happy twenty years to me.

Soph x 

 

Everything Happens For A Reason

WHAT WILL BE WILL BE 

Life works in bloody weird ways. One day you're dreaming of someone to be in your life and the next they are, You are loving the job you are doing and the next you are demotivated/ ready to move on and one day you may be down and a bit upset and the next day life is great and you can't fault it.

 At the moment, for me, a lot of positive and a lot of negative things are happening all at once and I think that means life is good? Is that right? Have I figured out life?!
  I feel like my brain has chilled out and things that used to stress me out well don't stress me out as much anymore because I have this balance of pros and cons in my life. It's not so one sided and to me that means life is good. We all know when everything is going good something has to tear us down and when things are going really bad something has to lift us up. Having the balance means when some good things are happening you don't get knocked down so hard when the negative things start to roll in and vice versa. Does any of this make sense? I don't know but basically what I'm saying is find the right balances in life and it will all feel less overwhelming and yes I know that is easier said than done but trust me it's do-able.

So to the girls who now hate me for a relationship/friendship I have, To the job I still don't bloody have, The best friend I have so many inside jokes with and the crazy distances I go for the people I love... THANK U because life is good. It's stressful and I'm tired and I still get pissed off at certain situations&people BUT I'm happy with myself, the people in my life and with how I'm not wasting any time because you do really only live once.

Peace out.

Soph x 

Bad Bloody Luck

JUST KEEP SWIMMING 

Life is a very strange thing. One week everything is going your way and you feel like the luckiest person in the world and the next you could be having meltdowns every other day and you feel like everything and everyone is out to get you. How that works I don’t know and tbh I don’t think anyone every will know but you just keep plodding along and just hope for the best. 

My past few months have been full of bad luck. Nothing that is seriously unlucky but I think after so many small little annoyingly stupid and unfair things happen you just get in a mood. A mood where you feel like you will have this bad luck forever. I go to work, go to the gym, sit at home with my cat who doesn’t love me unless it’s just me and her at home, and then go to bed. But in my day I also see my friends at work, I’m developing at work and learning new things, I’m meeting new people and learning all about them, I’m bettering my health and fitness, I’m kind of getting a six pack (only if you squint) and I’m spending time with my family even if it means sitting in front of the telly with a cuppa. Enjoy the tiny things because that’s always what you remember in the long term. 

So basically if you’re like me, queen of bad luck, then take everything in your stride. Be proud that you have to work really hard for things others seem to just be good at (not a dig, they work hard too),  be happy that you get the opportunity to do things others don’t have the privilege to do, be spontaneous and just go with the flow rather then following everything by the book and mostly be motivated to change your bad luck because the reality is that it’s all in our heads and only we can change ourselves for the better. 

We’ve got this.

Soph x 

I Really Just Don't Give A F***

I'M TAKING NO PRISONERS 

It’s a weird concept to me that I have zero emotions seeing as I will cry at any chick flick, will get so angry at people being so malicious to others and I’ll continue to put everyone before myself but I honestly from the bottom of my heart can say I don’t feel a thing. I don’t feel heartbroken or disappointed, I don’t feel stressed or aggregated when I know I should be and I should be expressing that I am. Any of this make sense? I don’t think so but then again no one has understood up until now so if I couldn’t care less then I wouldn’t care less. 

It’s crazy to me that something like this can be triggered by a careless human, a tiny insignificant event that might not matter in a few years or by a build up of mixed emotions you didn’t know you needed to handle. I think that’s okay. I think it’s okay to feel like you’re stuck with not feeling much at all because of something you cared a lot about. I think it’s okay that you might be confused as to why what used to upset you doesn’t upset you anymore. 

I’ve had a lot of crappy situations occur recently but I think the important thing to remember in a time of need is that you can only help yourself if you want to. No one else is in charge of your mind or happiness so make the change yourself if you so wish too (and yes you should really wish too). It’s really hard to write down emotions when you have none but you know what you would be feeling if you did have some. 

If there’s anyone going through this then I guess you can really appreciate that it isn’t just you, that you aren’t a bit crazy for not feeling emotions and it’s not silly to finally not care anymore after being hurt so much. It’s human and natural to finally hang the towel in on caring about people who don’t care about you. For not believing people when they say ‘sorry’ or that they ‘won’t do it again’. For keeping your cards close to your chest because you can’t really trust anyone. For not getting disappointed anymore when something doesn’t go the way you thought it was. This could be about friends, family, boys, careers, education or even just aspirations and goals in whole but they all matter in one way or another and you shouldn’t be made to feel Otherwise. 

There are people much worse off and although I hate that thought it’s the only thing that puts life in perspective. I didn’t get that promotion I worked so bloody hard for, I don’t have the romantic life I so desperately want from the films and I don’t have many people I can speak to without feeling like they will just relate it back to themselves but That’s the beauty of this whole thing. Everything happens for a reason and it makes you learn even if it is the hard way. It makes us stronger and more willing to power through. Things only stay bad if you let it and even if it takes weeks, days or months you will persevere through and it will all be worth it in the end. 

‘Share your time with those who are lonely and give your smile to someone who needs it’ 

Soph x

The Chicken On The Shelf

THERE'S STILL HOPE OUT THERE.. RIGHT?

This morning I went to tescos to grab some things for a sunday roast that I had been dreaming about all week but there wasn't a single chicken crown left on four whole shelves (first world problems hey) and after a bit on confusion as to where all the bloody chicken had run off too, I realised I wasn't the only person to be craving a chicken in a bag and I simply snoozed and losed (I know it's meant to be lost but I ruins the feel so losed it is). As I walked down the aisle for plan B I went to grab my beef in a bag and lo and behold there was a chicken covered in herbs and goodness just shoved aimlessly on a shelf labelled 'Beef joint with crackling.' This all sounds so silly I'm very aware but I've seen it as a sign of a good week to come or so I'm bloody praying for. I believe in all that crap because well if I don't I would be miserable and mopy. Do you know what I mean? 

I'm a pretty miserable person at the moment and not for any particular reason which is probably the most frustrating part but that happens right? Please tell me that's normal. Anyway with not being so in the moment, I see a lot and I notice a whole lot more. 'Signs' are not something that people believe in and that i'm very aware of but for someone who needs a bit of hope, the littlest things can mean anything. The chicken on the shelf for example... who knows maybe that was to show that my luck is changing? Probs not lets be honest but it's nice to have something to be positive about. 

You know those horoscopes that we read everyday and everyday act so surprised when they relate exactly to our lives in that moment? Well lets face it they are written so vaguely and so widely that we could relate whatever it has to say with whatever we may be feeling but whose to say that's so wrong. When I read my cancer sign and it says that this week 'you will speak your mind and although you are sensitive and that scares you, your family and friends will help you through' I'll look at my phone all big eyed thinking 'HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT' and then I'll carry on my day without a second thought of my horoscope. But in that moment there's a sign that maybe all of the population born between 22 June-23 July are going through what I am and I'm not alone. And then I remember it's a horoscope and I need to stop being so dramatic. 

What I'm trying to get at, not very well, is that in a time of hope there are always the little tiny things that can help you pull through. For me it's little signs, going to the gym even though I don't have a clue what I'm doing or it's listening to music and they are a few things that are helping me get through this time in need. So read that horoscope, tell someone bluntly how you feel, Eat the cake and have that glass of wine as big as your face because life is too short and if you spend it down and miserable then you won't experience what it really has to offer. Open your mind to new things and take a bit of you time. Being in a miserable stage isn't a bad thing but a normal thing but only you can help yourself and the end of this hole may be a lot closer then you think.

Soph x  

Happy Bloody Valentines

February 14th

Happy valentines to all the people in relationships and to all that are not. For me I am not. I have wallowed and complained about this day but really I love this day. It's nice to have a day dedicated to love in a world full of such hate don't you think? Although I have no one to post on my Instagram or to write a huge heartfelt poem too (me writing poem? good one), I have a best friend who will spend their valentines with me, A team at work that make the term 'valentines' bearable and I have myself. 

The most valentines like I'm getting.

I think self love is the most important part of this day. That may mean you realising how great you are when you are reading a card a partner wrote for you or when you are sitting at home alone drinking a glass of wine as big as your head and thinking 'I enjoy my own company'. I don't think valentines should just be a day for partners or relationships, I think it should be about relationships with your better half, your best friends or you families. It should be about celebrating the people you wouldn't be you without and the people who put a smile on your face even when you really don't feel like smiling.

For all of you who hate valentines like me... all I can say is do you really? Do I really hate valentines? No not really. It's not the day we hate but in fact the thought that it has to be about having a 'other half'' and credit to those who do but if you're single and 'alone' like me, this day is just as much ours as theirs! We are just taking our sweet time at enjoying valentines for ourselves and I'm sure eventually someone will love us... right? 

Happy Valentines to all the people in relationships and to all that are not. I have enjoyed seeing all the loved up couples swarm my instagram stories, all the #galentines and all of the people that haven't posted a single thing. We all deserve to celebrate this day in one way or another.

Soph x 

Reasons Why I'm Single

SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

Okay maybe not for the rest of my life but for the foreseeable future anyway. 

   I like being single. I like that the only person I have to worry about is myself and that I don't have to have a responsibility to be a good person all the time but I can be a bit wild and crazy without the fear of hurting someone. I like that I can get drunk whenever I want and know that the only person I need to worry about when I'm out is me. Sounds selfish and I guess that is but for someone who is young, starting their career and going through what seems like a mental block of how to feel it's better to be single then trying to make someone else happy when your energy should be going into making YOURSELF happy. 

The best way to describe this mental block that I'm having is like this:

I don't care enough to carry on any type of relationship with someone who has fucked me off. Plain and simple. 

That sounds a lot more harsh then it is trust me but what I mean is that instead of trying to fix a shattered mirror imma put that straight in the bin and get a brand spanking new one. Life is far too short to keep trying to mend what is already broken and so I'm just learning to cut out the shit and focus on me... and that is a reason as to why I'm single. I get things into my head that I can't stop thinking about and so once something happens that angers, upsets or just annoys me I find it hard to just let it slide. That's a flaw I am very aware of but also it's really helped me see the negativity that is being caused in my life and it is not wanted hun, You can stay in 2017. 

I'm single because I don't have the energy to do stuff like re-paint my awfully chipped nails or cut my annoyingly long fringe so why on earth should I put myself in the position to have someone trust me with their emotions. That's like... well scary. Once I sort my stuff out I think I'll open up to the idea a bit more but for now I can't go through with the pain of hurting someone else because I know all too well about the receiving and, more sadly, the giving on that one. 

Do you know what I am super duper bored of? Boys. I've met some super nice guys recently but because of  a certain few BOYS I can't help but think 'nope Soph it is a trap.' I want to take a bit of time to myself to realise my worth and to also GET OVER IT. For example I finally called it quits with a boy i've basically been on and off with for 6 years and bloody hell did that feel GOOOOOOD. He even said to me 'You just make me a dick' and so that is what made me finally realise us two were never meant to be. It's sad and I don't quite know when I will fully get over losing all those years but for now. if you're reading this ****, I wish you all the best you incredibly complicated, confusing but funny and charming human being. 

So that's why I'm single (obviously excluding the obvious part of other people dumping me because they just aren't that in to me) and that is why I want to stay single for a little while longer. Who knows next month I could be wifed up but right at this very moment in time I just want to be Sophie. Not 'Sophie and so and so.' Just Sophie. 

Soph x 

 

'Mum'

THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

Someone who I love very much went through a instance that involved an annual Christmas card from their distant dad. I never wanted to tell him how much it got me thinking about my 'mum' because I thought it was selfish but really it just shows that I still have some kind emotions towards the matter and I just don't know where to spill those emotions out..... so what better then here. My online diary I guess this is. Welcome to a very raw post. 

There are a lot of things that go through my mind when I think of my mum like why at 16 did you decide to abandon me or I am so much better without you. I see tweets or posts on facebook everyday about how a mothers love is unconditional and how they would do anything for you but my reality is a little bit different. I never complain or moan because I have my Dad, my step mum and my uncle and aunts whom I owe my whole life too but it doesn't stop what happened nor does it stop the hole that is left. 

  This isn't me saying I miss her or that I would love to see her again. Oh no this is a I am so fucking proud of myself and I hope you never know that. I hope you live your life full of happiness and achievements but I also hope it is without me. 

  'Mum' please remember the last time you heard me saying that word was when we were walking towards each other and how you looked into my eyes for a second and just stared through me. You just walked past as if you hadn't given birth to me and I was a complete stranger. I will always remember that feeling. It's what motivates me and what drives me. 

  I thought for a really long time about writing this and how I never wanted to give you the satisfaction but after 3 years of being without you with nothing but a 'happy 18th' I thought now was the time to let it all out. 

This is a thank you to my 'mum'. Thank you for showing me how much my dad loves me. Thank you for letting me go so I could finally live life. Thank you for causing me so much pain I can get through anything. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't live my life holding grudges but to always be the bigger person. There are a lot of things I can thank you for but not half as many as what I should thank my dad for because although you taught me to be everything you aren't, Dad taught me to be everything he is and if I can be half the person he is then all the heartbreak, the screaming matches, the lonely and scary nights as a teenager and the regret for blocking loved ones out for you will be all worth it. 

Thank you Dad for making me the Sophie I am today but most importantly thank you 'mum' for not. 

Soph.