Everything Happens For A Reason

WHAT WILL BE WILL BE 

Life works in bloody weird ways. One day you're dreaming of someone to be in your life and the next they are, You are loving the job you are doing and the next you are demotivated/ ready to move on and one day you may be down and a bit upset and the next day life is great and you can't fault it.

 At the moment, for me, a lot of positive and a lot of negative things are happening all at once and I think that means life is good? Is that right? Have I figured out life?!
  I feel like my brain has chilled out and things that used to stress me out well don't stress me out as much anymore because I have this balance of pros and cons in my life. It's not so one sided and to me that means life is good. We all know when everything is going good something has to tear us down and when things are going really bad something has to lift us up. Having the balance means when some good things are happening you don't get knocked down so hard when the negative things start to roll in and vice versa. Does any of this make sense? I don't know but basically what I'm saying is find the right balances in life and it will all feel less overwhelming and yes I know that is easier said than done but trust me it's do-able.

So to the girls who now hate me for a relationship/friendship I have, To the job I still don't bloody have, The best friend I have so many inside jokes with and the crazy distances I go for the people I love... THANK U because life is good. It's stressful and I'm tired and I still get pissed off at certain situations&people BUT I'm happy with myself, the people in my life and with how I'm not wasting any time because you do really only live once.

Peace out.

Soph x 

Bad Bloody Luck

JUST KEEP SWIMMING 

Life is a very strange thing. One week everything is going your way and you feel like the luckiest person in the world and the next you could be having meltdowns every other day and you feel like everything and everyone is out to get you. How that works I don’t know and tbh I don’t think anyone every will know but you just keep plodding along and just hope for the best. 

My past few months have been full of bad luck. Nothing that is seriously unlucky but I think after so many small little annoyingly stupid and unfair things happen you just get in a mood. A mood where you feel like you will have this bad luck forever. I go to work, go to the gym, sit at home with my cat who doesn’t love me unless it’s just me and her at home, and then go to bed. But in my day I also see my friends at work, I’m developing at work and learning new things, I’m meeting new people and learning all about them, I’m bettering my health and fitness, I’m kind of getting a six pack (only if you squint) and I’m spending time with my family even if it means sitting in front of the telly with a cuppa. Enjoy the tiny things because that’s always what you remember in the long term. 

So basically if you’re like me, queen of bad luck, then take everything in your stride. Be proud that you have to work really hard for things others seem to just be good at (not a dig, they work hard too),  be happy that you get the opportunity to do things others don’t have the privilege to do, be spontaneous and just go with the flow rather then following everything by the book and mostly be motivated to change your bad luck because the reality is that it’s all in our heads and only we can change ourselves for the better. 

We’ve got this.

Soph x 

I Really Just Don't Give A F***

I'M TAKING NO PRISONERS 

It’s a weird concept to me that I have zero emotions seeing as I will cry at any chick flick, will get so angry at people being so malicious to others and I’ll continue to put everyone before myself but I honestly from the bottom of my heart can say I don’t feel a thing. I don’t feel heartbroken or disappointed, I don’t feel stressed or aggregated when I know I should be and I should be expressing that I am. Any of this make sense? I don’t think so but then again no one has understood up until now so if I couldn’t care less then I wouldn’t care less. 

It’s crazy to me that something like this can be triggered by a careless human, a tiny insignificant event that might not matter in a few years or by a build up of mixed emotions you didn’t know you needed to handle. I think that’s okay. I think it’s okay to feel like you’re stuck with not feeling much at all because of something you cared a lot about. I think it’s okay that you might be confused as to why what used to upset you doesn’t upset you anymore. 

I’ve had a lot of crappy situations occur recently but I think the important thing to remember in a time of need is that you can only help yourself if you want to. No one else is in charge of your mind or happiness so make the change yourself if you so wish too (and yes you should really wish too). It’s really hard to write down emotions when you have none but you know what you would be feeling if you did have some. 

If there’s anyone going through this then I guess you can really appreciate that it isn’t just you, that you aren’t a bit crazy for not feeling emotions and it’s not silly to finally not care anymore after being hurt so much. It’s human and natural to finally hang the towel in on caring about people who don’t care about you. For not believing people when they say ‘sorry’ or that they ‘won’t do it again’. For keeping your cards close to your chest because you can’t really trust anyone. For not getting disappointed anymore when something doesn’t go the way you thought it was. This could be about friends, family, boys, careers, education or even just aspirations and goals in whole but they all matter in one way or another and you shouldn’t be made to feel Otherwise. 

There are people much worse off and although I hate that thought it’s the only thing that puts life in perspective. I didn’t get that promotion I worked so bloody hard for, I don’t have the romantic life I so desperately want from the films and I don’t have many people I can speak to without feeling like they will just relate it back to themselves but That’s the beauty of this whole thing. Everything happens for a reason and it makes you learn even if it is the hard way. It makes us stronger and more willing to power through. Things only stay bad if you let it and even if it takes weeks, days or months you will persevere through and it will all be worth it in the end. 

‘Share your time with those who are lonely and give your smile to someone who needs it’ 

Soph x

The Chicken On The Shelf

THERE'S STILL HOPE OUT THERE.. RIGHT?

This morning I went to tescos to grab some things for a sunday roast that I had been dreaming about all week but there wasn't a single chicken crown left on four whole shelves (first world problems hey) and after a bit on confusion as to where all the bloody chicken had run off too, I realised I wasn't the only person to be craving a chicken in a bag and I simply snoozed and losed (I know it's meant to be lost but I ruins the feel so losed it is). As I walked down the aisle for plan B I went to grab my beef in a bag and lo and behold there was a chicken covered in herbs and goodness just shoved aimlessly on a shelf labelled 'Beef joint with crackling.' This all sounds so silly I'm very aware but I've seen it as a sign of a good week to come or so I'm bloody praying for. I believe in all that crap because well if I don't I would be miserable and mopy. Do you know what I mean? 

I'm a pretty miserable person at the moment and not for any particular reason which is probably the most frustrating part but that happens right? Please tell me that's normal. Anyway with not being so in the moment, I see a lot and I notice a whole lot more. 'Signs' are not something that people believe in and that i'm very aware of but for someone who needs a bit of hope, the littlest things can mean anything. The chicken on the shelf for example... who knows maybe that was to show that my luck is changing? Probs not lets be honest but it's nice to have something to be positive about. 

You know those horoscopes that we read everyday and everyday act so surprised when they relate exactly to our lives in that moment? Well lets face it they are written so vaguely and so widely that we could relate whatever it has to say with whatever we may be feeling but whose to say that's so wrong. When I read my cancer sign and it says that this week 'you will speak your mind and although you are sensitive and that scares you, your family and friends will help you through' I'll look at my phone all big eyed thinking 'HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT' and then I'll carry on my day without a second thought of my horoscope. But in that moment there's a sign that maybe all of the population born between 22 June-23 July are going through what I am and I'm not alone. And then I remember it's a horoscope and I need to stop being so dramatic. 

What I'm trying to get at, not very well, is that in a time of hope there are always the little tiny things that can help you pull through. For me it's little signs, going to the gym even though I don't have a clue what I'm doing or it's listening to music and they are a few things that are helping me get through this time in need. So read that horoscope, tell someone bluntly how you feel, Eat the cake and have that glass of wine as big as your face because life is too short and if you spend it down and miserable then you won't experience what it really has to offer. Open your mind to new things and take a bit of you time. Being in a miserable stage isn't a bad thing but a normal thing but only you can help yourself and the end of this hole may be a lot closer then you think.

Soph x  

Happy Bloody Valentines

February 14th

Happy valentines to all the people in relationships and to all that are not. For me I am not. I have wallowed and complained about this day but really I love this day. It's nice to have a day dedicated to love in a world full of such hate don't you think? Although I have no one to post on my Instagram or to write a huge heartfelt poem too (me writing poem? good one), I have a best friend who will spend their valentines with me, A team at work that make the term 'valentines' bearable and I have myself. 

The most valentines like I'm getting.

I think self love is the most important part of this day. That may mean you realising how great you are when you are reading a card a partner wrote for you or when you are sitting at home alone drinking a glass of wine as big as your head and thinking 'I enjoy my own company'. I don't think valentines should just be a day for partners or relationships, I think it should be about relationships with your better half, your best friends or you families. It should be about celebrating the people you wouldn't be you without and the people who put a smile on your face even when you really don't feel like smiling.

For all of you who hate valentines like me... all I can say is do you really? Do I really hate valentines? No not really. It's not the day we hate but in fact the thought that it has to be about having a 'other half'' and credit to those who do but if you're single and 'alone' like me, this day is just as much ours as theirs! We are just taking our sweet time at enjoying valentines for ourselves and I'm sure eventually someone will love us... right? 

Happy Valentines to all the people in relationships and to all that are not. I have enjoyed seeing all the loved up couples swarm my instagram stories, all the #galentines and all of the people that haven't posted a single thing. We all deserve to celebrate this day in one way or another.

Soph x 

Reasons Why I'm Single

SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

Okay maybe not for the rest of my life but for the foreseeable future anyway. 

   I like being single. I like that the only person I have to worry about is myself and that I don't have to have a responsibility to be a good person all the time but I can be a bit wild and crazy without the fear of hurting someone. I like that I can get drunk whenever I want and know that the only person I need to worry about when I'm out is me. Sounds selfish and I guess that is but for someone who is young, starting their career and going through what seems like a mental block of how to feel it's better to be single then trying to make someone else happy when your energy should be going into making YOURSELF happy. 

The best way to describe this mental block that I'm having is like this:

I don't care enough to carry on any type of relationship with someone who has fucked me off. Plain and simple. 

That sounds a lot more harsh then it is trust me but what I mean is that instead of trying to fix a shattered mirror imma put that straight in the bin and get a brand spanking new one. Life is far too short to keep trying to mend what is already broken and so I'm just learning to cut out the shit and focus on me... and that is a reason as to why I'm single. I get things into my head that I can't stop thinking about and so once something happens that angers, upsets or just annoys me I find it hard to just let it slide. That's a flaw I am very aware of but also it's really helped me see the negativity that is being caused in my life and it is not wanted hun, You can stay in 2017. 

I'm single because I don't have the energy to do stuff like re-paint my awfully chipped nails or cut my annoyingly long fringe so why on earth should I put myself in the position to have someone trust me with their emotions. That's like... well scary. Once I sort my stuff out I think I'll open up to the idea a bit more but for now I can't go through with the pain of hurting someone else because I know all too well about the receiving and, more sadly, the giving on that one. 

Do you know what I am super duper bored of? Boys. I've met some super nice guys recently but because of  a certain few BOYS I can't help but think 'nope Soph it is a trap.' I want to take a bit of time to myself to realise my worth and to also GET OVER IT. For example I finally called it quits with a boy i've basically been on and off with for 6 years and bloody hell did that feel GOOOOOOD. He even said to me 'You just make me a dick' and so that is what made me finally realise us two were never meant to be. It's sad and I don't quite know when I will fully get over losing all those years but for now. if you're reading this ****, I wish you all the best you incredibly complicated, confusing but funny and charming human being. 

So that's why I'm single (obviously excluding the obvious part of other people dumping me because they just aren't that in to me) and that is why I want to stay single for a little while longer. Who knows next month I could be wifed up but right at this very moment in time I just want to be Sophie. Not 'Sophie and so and so.' Just Sophie. 

Soph x 

 

'Mum'

THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

Someone who I love very much went through a instance that involved an annual Christmas card from their distant dad. I never wanted to tell him how much it got me thinking about my 'mum' because I thought it was selfish but really it just shows that I still have some kind emotions towards the matter and I just don't know where to spill those emotions out..... so what better then here. My online diary I guess this is. Welcome to a very raw post. 

There are a lot of things that go through my mind when I think of my mum like why at 16 did you decide to abandon me or I am so much better without you. I see tweets or posts on facebook everyday about how a mothers love is unconditional and how they would do anything for you but my reality is a little bit different. I never complain or moan because I have my Dad, my step mum and my uncle and aunts whom I owe my whole life too but it doesn't stop what happened nor does it stop the hole that is left. 

  This isn't me saying I miss her or that I would love to see her again. Oh no this is a I am so fucking proud of myself and I hope you never know that. I hope you live your life full of happiness and achievements but I also hope it is without me. 

  'Mum' please remember the last time you heard me saying that word was when we were walking towards each other and how you looked into my eyes for a second and just stared through me. You just walked past as if you hadn't given birth to me and I was a complete stranger. I will always remember that feeling. It's what motivates me and what drives me. 

  I thought for a really long time about writing this and how I never wanted to give you the satisfaction but after 3 years of being without you with nothing but a 'happy 18th' I thought now was the time to let it all out. 

This is a thank you to my 'mum'. Thank you for showing me how much my dad loves me. Thank you for letting me go so I could finally live life. Thank you for causing me so much pain I can get through anything. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't live my life holding grudges but to always be the bigger person. There are a lot of things I can thank you for but not half as many as what I should thank my dad for because although you taught me to be everything you aren't, Dad taught me to be everything he is and if I can be half the person he is then all the heartbreak, the screaming matches, the lonely and scary nights as a teenager and the regret for blocking loved ones out for you will be all worth it. 

Thank you Dad for making me the Sophie I am today but most importantly thank you 'mum' for not. 

Soph.