'Mum'

THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

Someone who I love very much went through a instance that involved an annual Christmas card from their distant dad. I never wanted to tell him how much it got me thinking about my 'mum' because I thought it was selfish but really it just shows that I still have some kind emotions towards the matter and I just don't know where to spill those emotions out..... so what better then here. My online diary I guess this is. Welcome to a very raw post. 

There are a lot of things that go through my mind when I think of my mum like why at 16 did you decide to abandon me or I am so much better without you. I see tweets or posts on facebook everyday about how a mothers love is unconditional and how they would do anything for you but my reality is a little bit different. I never complain or moan because I have my Dad, my step mum and my uncle and aunts whom I owe my whole life too but it doesn't stop what happened nor does it stop the hole that is left. 

  This isn't me saying I miss her or that I would love to see her again. Oh no this is a I am so fucking proud of myself and I hope you never know that. I hope you live your life full of happiness and achievements but I also hope it is without me. 

  'Mum' please remember the last time you heard me saying that word was when we were walking towards each other and how you looked into my eyes for a second and just stared through me. You just walked past as if you hadn't given birth to me and I was a complete stranger. I will always remember that feeling. It's what motivates me and what drives me. 

  I thought for a really long time about writing this and how I never wanted to give you the satisfaction but after 3 years of being without you with nothing but a 'happy 18th' I thought now was the time to let it all out. 

This is a thank you to my 'mum'. Thank you for showing me how much my dad loves me. Thank you for letting me go so I could finally live life. Thank you for causing me so much pain I can get through anything. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't live my life holding grudges but to always be the bigger person. There are a lot of things I can thank you for but not half as many as what I should thank my dad for because although you taught me to be everything you aren't, Dad taught me to be everything he is and if I can be half the person he is then all the heartbreak, the screaming matches, the lonely and scary nights as a teenager and the regret for blocking loved ones out for you will be all worth it. 

Thank you Dad for making me the Sophie I am today but most importantly thank you 'mum' for not. 

Soph.