The Chicken On The Shelf

THERE'S STILL HOPE OUT THERE.. RIGHT?

This morning I went to tescos to grab some things for a sunday roast that I had been dreaming about all week but there wasn't a single chicken crown left on four whole shelves (first world problems hey) and after a bit on confusion as to where all the bloody chicken had run off too, I realised I wasn't the only person to be craving a chicken in a bag and I simply snoozed and losed (I know it's meant to be lost but I ruins the feel so losed it is). As I walked down the aisle for plan B I went to grab my beef in a bag and lo and behold there was a chicken covered in herbs and goodness just shoved aimlessly on a shelf labelled 'Beef joint with crackling.' This all sounds so silly I'm very aware but I've seen it as a sign of a good week to come or so I'm bloody praying for. I believe in all that crap because well if I don't I would be miserable and mopy. Do you know what I mean? 

I'm a pretty miserable person at the moment and not for any particular reason which is probably the most frustrating part but that happens right? Please tell me that's normal. Anyway with not being so in the moment, I see a lot and I notice a whole lot more. 'Signs' are not something that people believe in and that i'm very aware of but for someone who needs a bit of hope, the littlest things can mean anything. The chicken on the shelf for example... who knows maybe that was to show that my luck is changing? Probs not lets be honest but it's nice to have something to be positive about. 

You know those horoscopes that we read everyday and everyday act so surprised when they relate exactly to our lives in that moment? Well lets face it they are written so vaguely and so widely that we could relate whatever it has to say with whatever we may be feeling but whose to say that's so wrong. When I read my cancer sign and it says that this week 'you will speak your mind and although you are sensitive and that scares you, your family and friends will help you through' I'll look at my phone all big eyed thinking 'HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT' and then I'll carry on my day without a second thought of my horoscope. But in that moment there's a sign that maybe all of the population born between 22 June-23 July are going through what I am and I'm not alone. And then I remember it's a horoscope and I need to stop being so dramatic. 

What I'm trying to get at, not very well, is that in a time of hope there are always the little tiny things that can help you pull through. For me it's little signs, going to the gym even though I don't have a clue what I'm doing or it's listening to music and they are a few things that are helping me get through this time in need. So read that horoscope, tell someone bluntly how you feel, Eat the cake and have that glass of wine as big as your face because life is too short and if you spend it down and miserable then you won't experience what it really has to offer. Open your mind to new things and take a bit of you time. Being in a miserable stage isn't a bad thing but a normal thing but only you can help yourself and the end of this hole may be a lot closer then you think.

Soph x  

Happy Bloody Valentines

February 14th

Happy valentines to all the people in relationships and to all that are not. For me I am not. I have wallowed and complained about this day but really I love this day. It's nice to have a day dedicated to love in a world full of such hate don't you think? Although I have no one to post on my Instagram or to write a huge heartfelt poem too (me writing poem? good one), I have a best friend who will spend their valentines with me, A team at work that make the term 'valentines' bearable and I have myself. 

The most valentines like I'm getting.

I think self love is the most important part of this day. That may mean you realising how great you are when you are reading a card a partner wrote for you or when you are sitting at home alone drinking a glass of wine as big as your head and thinking 'I enjoy my own company'. I don't think valentines should just be a day for partners or relationships, I think it should be about relationships with your better half, your best friends or you families. It should be about celebrating the people you wouldn't be you without and the people who put a smile on your face even when you really don't feel like smiling.

For all of you who hate valentines like me... all I can say is do you really? Do I really hate valentines? No not really. It's not the day we hate but in fact the thought that it has to be about having a 'other half'' and credit to those who do but if you're single and 'alone' like me, this day is just as much ours as theirs! We are just taking our sweet time at enjoying valentines for ourselves and I'm sure eventually someone will love us... right? 

Happy Valentines to all the people in relationships and to all that are not. I have enjoyed seeing all the loved up couples swarm my instagram stories, all the #galentines and all of the people that haven't posted a single thing. We all deserve to celebrate this day in one way or another.

Soph x 

Reasons Why I'm Single

SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

Okay maybe not for the rest of my life but for the foreseeable future anyway. 

   I like being single. I like that the only person I have to worry about is myself and that I don't have to have a responsibility to be a good person all the time but I can be a bit wild and crazy without the fear of hurting someone. I like that I can get drunk whenever I want and know that the only person I need to worry about when I'm out is me. Sounds selfish and I guess that is but for someone who is young, starting their career and going through what seems like a mental block of how to feel it's better to be single then trying to make someone else happy when your energy should be going into making YOURSELF happy. 

The best way to describe this mental block that I'm having is like this:

I don't care enough to carry on any type of relationship with someone who has fucked me off. Plain and simple. 

That sounds a lot more harsh then it is trust me but what I mean is that instead of trying to fix a shattered mirror imma put that straight in the bin and get a brand spanking new one. Life is far too short to keep trying to mend what is already broken and so I'm just learning to cut out the shit and focus on me... and that is a reason as to why I'm single. I get things into my head that I can't stop thinking about and so once something happens that angers, upsets or just annoys me I find it hard to just let it slide. That's a flaw I am very aware of but also it's really helped me see the negativity that is being caused in my life and it is not wanted hun, You can stay in 2017. 

I'm single because I don't have the energy to do stuff like re-paint my awfully chipped nails or cut my annoyingly long fringe so why on earth should I put myself in the position to have someone trust me with their emotions. That's like... well scary. Once I sort my stuff out I think I'll open up to the idea a bit more but for now I can't go through with the pain of hurting someone else because I know all too well about the receiving and, more sadly, the giving on that one. 

Do you know what I am super duper bored of? Boys. I've met some super nice guys recently but because of  a certain few BOYS I can't help but think 'nope Soph it is a trap.' I want to take a bit of time to myself to realise my worth and to also GET OVER IT. For example I finally called it quits with a boy i've basically been on and off with for 6 years and bloody hell did that feel GOOOOOOD. He even said to me 'You just make me a dick' and so that is what made me finally realise us two were never meant to be. It's sad and I don't quite know when I will fully get over losing all those years but for now. if you're reading this ****, I wish you all the best you incredibly complicated, confusing but funny and charming human being. 

So that's why I'm single (obviously excluding the obvious part of other people dumping me because they just aren't that in to me) and that is why I want to stay single for a little while longer. Who knows next month I could be wifed up but right at this very moment in time I just want to be Sophie. Not 'Sophie and so and so.' Just Sophie. 

Soph x 

 

'Mum'

THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

Someone who I love very much went through a instance that involved an annual Christmas card from their distant dad. I never wanted to tell him how much it got me thinking about my 'mum' because I thought it was selfish but really it just shows that I still have some kind emotions towards the matter and I just don't know where to spill those emotions out..... so what better then here. My online diary I guess this is. Welcome to a very raw post. 

There are a lot of things that go through my mind when I think of my mum like why at 16 did you decide to abandon me or I am so much better without you. I see tweets or posts on facebook everyday about how a mothers love is unconditional and how they would do anything for you but my reality is a little bit different. I never complain or moan because I have my Dad, my step mum and my uncle and aunts whom I owe my whole life too but it doesn't stop what happened nor does it stop the hole that is left. 

  This isn't me saying I miss her or that I would love to see her again. Oh no this is a I am so fucking proud of myself and I hope you never know that. I hope you live your life full of happiness and achievements but I also hope it is without me. 

  'Mum' please remember the last time you heard me saying that word was when we were walking towards each other and how you looked into my eyes for a second and just stared through me. You just walked past as if you hadn't given birth to me and I was a complete stranger. I will always remember that feeling. It's what motivates me and what drives me. 

  I thought for a really long time about writing this and how I never wanted to give you the satisfaction but after 3 years of being without you with nothing but a 'happy 18th' I thought now was the time to let it all out. 

This is a thank you to my 'mum'. Thank you for showing me how much my dad loves me. Thank you for letting me go so I could finally live life. Thank you for causing me so much pain I can get through anything. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't live my life holding grudges but to always be the bigger person. There are a lot of things I can thank you for but not half as many as what I should thank my dad for because although you taught me to be everything you aren't, Dad taught me to be everything he is and if I can be half the person he is then all the heartbreak, the screaming matches, the lonely and scary nights as a teenager and the regret for blocking loved ones out for you will be all worth it. 

Thank you Dad for making me the Sophie I am today but most importantly thank you 'mum' for not. 

Soph. 

Dear 2017

CYAAAAA

As I'm writing this I'm trying to sort out my plans for the night because silly soph forgot to book tickets for the nightclub we were meant to be going to and IT SOLD OUT HEHEHE so there's nothing quite like entering the new year knowing you fudged up a bit BUT we are being spontaneous and that is the best kind of night. 

2017 has been filled with laughter, tears, trips, heartbreaks, blossoming of friendships and relationships, lots of food, lots of alcohol, lots of early morning and late nights and most importantly this year has been FULL of achievements. When I say achievements I don't just mean the standard 'I got my first year no claims' I mean I've also achieved some things I never thought I would like stepping out of my comfort zone, taking on difficult challenges and making huge steps in my career and personal life. 

I don't want to give 2017 the satisfaction of a blog post dedicated to how up and down this year has been so I'm going to keep this short and sweet and say thank you and good bye. Thank you for being the year my parents got married, the year I learnt what real heartbreak was and how to get over it, the year that taught me about true friends and family, the year that saw me start my career and become the 'head' visual merchandiser (because it's just me hehe) for Topman Cambridge and the year that taught me how to love really really really hard. 

I can't think of anything better then entering the new year with my oldest best friend and my newest one. Have a cracker of a night whatever you may be doing but for now I have to go and get DRUNKKKKK. 

Over and out, 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! 2018 you better be a good one. 

Soph x   

Reflecting On My Year: PART ONE

NEW YEAR NEW ME?

I know what you may all be thinking, 'oh how cliche of a post' or 'be a little bit more original' but can you really say the year is over if you haven't looked back and thought 'well I thought that wasn't going to be as shit as it was.'

 Instead of looking back on all the things I have probably already blogged about I wanted to remember all of the funny and not so funny little moments of my year. 

1) One of the funniest moments of the year for me was 100% getting off my face drunk at my dad's wedding in front of all our family and friends (including my new grandparents)... did I say funny? I meant to say embarrassing. No but really that whole week was magical, fun, had me in stitches the majority of the time and just overall a really really really happy time. Getting drunk for the first time in front of my family to the point of crying to your stepmum about how much you love her would be seen as embarrassing to most but lucky for me I got the comments 'We love drunk soph' rather than 'you need to go to bed babes'.. Next up my wedding..... HA good joke soph. 

2) Another memorable moment of my year was the week I nearly died and more importantly the recovery. If you didn't know I nearly died this year and I think I would of it wasn't for my stepmumma, so thank you Min for keeping me on this planet to annoy you for many more years to come. But the thing I will remember not just now but for the rest of my life was when I made a surprise visit to work after a week being gone (A week is a very long time in retail) and without even making the top of the very deadly stairs Charlotte had turned around and within 0.3 seconds screamed and started to CHARGE at me. We hugged so hard we nearly fell to the floor and I will never forget that feeling ever ever ever. We have had many amazing memories this year like Craig David and Mallorca but this one means the most to me. I lav ya. 

3) A long part/the start of my year I have been trying to forget about was the part where my relationship was well not a relationship anymore. I jumped into something because it felt like a good thing to do at the time but the outcome and what has happened since between us just doesn't seem like it was worth the jump. That sounds harsh but I only say it because I would of much rather a friendship with him then what we have now which is nothing at all. He probably has lots of horrible things to say about me and boy has he but I know he has a good heart. I won't forget the spontaneous tickets you got us so that we could go and see The Weeknd after we missed Paris because I got ill or the 6 hour journey to the most beautiful place I have seen, The Lake District, I will remember it all. 

4) The last and probably the most random memory I have of this year that makes me grin everytime I think about it was when me and someone who shall not be named decided to play 'Sophie are you really a human jukebox or not'. To keep a long story short, I am. But that's not what makes me happy thinking about it, it's the whole music side. Music helps so many people... including me. sad? Listen to music. Bored? Listen to music. Heartbroken? Listen to music. Honestly there are so many different types with so many different meanings depending on what emotion you are feeling and I find that so insane. So yes I can name every single song within the first 5 seconds on a  'classic rock classics' album and I'm not ashamed but quite impressed..... and so was he. 

  No matter what good and bad things happen this year like promotions or loss of jobs, love or heartbreak and friendship or loneliness there ALWAYS are and ALWAYS will be little tiny memories you can look back on and they are the things you should cherish more because the little things in life create the biggest smiles and fill even the smallest of hearts.... there was the cheese a Soph blog post can't go without. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope this coming year fills you will lots more little memories, good health and most importantly a whole lot of booze!!!!!!!!!

Soph x

Song of the blog: Celebrate- Kool & The Gang

Missing My Ex

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. 

This week I've finally spoken to people about my 'ex' and said out loud the words 'I miss him.' In no way does that mean I want him back or that I'm not ready to move on, it's more of a coming to terms with my feelings and knowing that deep down... very deep down.. I have a heart and it partly belongs to him. Luckily he won't read this and even on the off chance he did he wouldn't care so this is for me and only me to get it off my chest and finally come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be sad over someone that just doesn't deserve you anyway. 

It's super cliche when you break up with someone and everyone says 'there's plenty more fish in the sea' or 'you were just too good for him' but as many times as you hear it and try to believe it you either know that it just wasn't meant to be or that you will never ever find anyone close. That's the first thing I miss. How different yet how similar to me he was. To be honest we weren't together long and I probs can't even call him an ex officially but you know when you know and to me he was right up my street. WE connected from the moment he wouldn't save my seat on the top floor of a very busy revolution club so I could pee and for the next two months I was pretty much obsessed with him. I liked that. I liked the thought of someone and knowing that I really really bloody like them from the get go because I have never had that and I think personally I was always a bit too scared of commitment. It's okay to fall hard and quick but just be careful that they will be there to catch you rather than just stand on the outside and let you fall. 

I get a lot of people have a go at me for living my life the way I want it and I'm sure this post will cause a few dramas but being honest with yourself is the most important thing you can do. I tried for months to convince myself and others around me I was over it because I'm a strong independent woman but really I felt like I had lost a limb and I didn't know how to sew it back on. You can feel lost and like your emotions are on a constant merry go round and you DO NOT have to be annoyed at yourself for it. I miss how my family knew as soon as I mentioned his name that I really liked him. They could tell by how happy I was that this one human had come into my life and gave what they think I deserve.... happiness. That is also the hardest part. Having to tell them he didn't want me anymore. You don't really accept it until you have to tell everyone but again being honest and telling people can really lift a weight off your shoulders because then you know you are not in it alone anymore. 

I think the thing I hate the most about what a situation like this can do to someone is lower their self worth. When someone leaves you (sadly in my case with little explanation) you rack your brains on why on earth you weren't good enough. You wonder what you could of done to prevent it and you think what you could have been doing better. You shouldn't feel like that at all. Maybe one day this person will look back and think 'damn how could I let her go' or he could never think of you again but never ever ever ever ever ever think that you need to change so it doesn't happen again. Think that although he's gone, and you'd really wish he would stay, that actually you are you and he is he and nothing in the world will change that and the two may just simple not go together like bread and butter or cheese and pickle but more like peanut butter and chicken nuggets and ice cream and an oven. 

I hope one day or even now he feels sad at how he left it and left me, I hope maybe he thinks we could have been good if he hadn't of pushed me away for a job and I hope and I pray that he doesn't do what he did to me to another girl because his cheeky smile and the way he can make you feel like nothing else matters will cause many a girl to fall in love with him just like me. 

I'm so sorry to make you feel like you could ever let me go. 

Soph X