For My Ex

I GOT DUMPED... AGAIN LOL

I'm glad I can write a blog to sort of take the mic of out myself a bit because if I didn't then this whole time I would of crumbled under the pressure of a heartbreak. This won't be a diss or a beefy post about why I hate people so much but more a 'you've got this gorl' kind of thing. 

Don't get me wrong I'm over the situation and what ever the fuck happened because it was quite bad but for me finally being able to write about how I'm feeling feels like a major milestone to me. So to answer my own question how do I feel? 

I feel self conscious and shit. I feel powerful and ready to take things on. I feel sad and lonely. I feel more mature and less weak. I feel everything. I feel heartless yet full of love for the people who didn't let me down like they did. I feel like I can't bare the thought of another heartbreak but I feel ready to go out and enjoy myself. I can't express to you have bizarre it is to feel every emotion at once but I'm glad I have experienced it and moved on from my mistakes.

I've learnt that a best friend can chose a boy over you. I've learnt that sometimes when people say 'I love you' they meant it for someone else. I've learnt that a best friend will tell you straight what is going on but let you learn from your own mistakes. I've learnt mental health is not as important as all these people tweet about. I've learnt a lot and I'm hoping on the opposite side of the story they all have too. 

See i'm completely heartbroken and a bit empty right now but it won't last. I have my family and friends who know me and who I am. I have personal goals I'm trying to complete and I have memories that are hard to let go of but proud to have. 

So this isn't just to my ex if you didn't guess, it's to all the ex's in my life... friends, boys and even family. Everything happens for a reason and I'm ready to move on even though it's not what I ever intended to do. Good luck and thank you for teaching me who loves me, who cares about me and what a real snake is. 

Soph x  

Being Single

DOES IT SUCK? 

I like being single. I like having my bed all to myself but I also like the idea of sharing it with someone on a hungover Sunday. I like being able to set as many alarms as I need in the morning without annoying someone although I do miss the lie ins I got if I compromised having just one alarm for a lift in. I like not having to fight girls off in a club but I did like the bit of arm candy that got girls a bit jealous.

 There’s a lot of things I miss about being in a relationship but I think being single is where I’m in my element for the time being. Being single lets you learn about yourself as an individual. You don’t have to worry about your partner leaving you for your best friend or whether or not they will still fancy you after you’re going to gain the inevitable bit of relationship weight. You do however have to worry about whether another person will fall in love with you like the last person may of or if you can in fact fall in love again with someone who isn’t your ex and You have to worry about whether or not there is actually plenty more fish in the sea. 

Being single doesn’t mean you have to be waiting for the next Prince Charming to come along. You may not even want to find someone and that part of your life may not be on your to do list at all. Or you may just be wanting to finally settle down and find the one. Both are fine and you just have to go with whatever flow but always make sure you’re number one. 

There’s pros and cons to both scenarios and some people prefer the pros and cons to one situation over the other. For me personally I hate the thought of being heartbroken again. It’s my biggest fear. So I think for now being single is a way to learn to love maself so if the time comes when a handsome man who is hopefully brad from the vamps wants to come and sweep me off my feet I don’t have the fear of being heartbroken anymore and I can actually enjoy being in a relationship. 

I miss cuddles on a Sunday but enjoy sleepovers on a Friday with my bestie. I miss going on dates but I love seeing my uncle and Aunty every Wednesday for dinner. I miss saying ‘I love you’ but I love getting to say that to people more worthy. 

Being single is okay, I promise. 

Soph x 

What The Start Of My Twenties Has Taught Me

HIYA 20

 Going into my twenties has not been as fabulous as I imagined. Don't get me wrong I would of loved an extra year (or 10) of being a teenager but beggars can't be choosers. I thought I would of started off this new decade with a job opportunity, the boyfriend and the great close circle of friends. I thought I would go into this with some motivation and without the self-doubt but would it really be a 'soph' thing to have what I thought I was going to get? ha.

But do you know what I don't have the boyfriend, the job or the friends. I have better. I have the BEST friend, the freedom to talk to whoever I want and do whatever I want and I have a plan to go travelling before I settle down in a career I don't think I'm 100% ready for. Things work out so weirdly and never ever to plan so you just gotta take every thing with a pinch of salt and keep moving forward.

Getting dumped sucks. I don't have to explain that to anyone. And getting dumped by your 'best friends' at the same time sucks even more but you just gotta dust yourself off and realise there is so much more to appreciate. I've made new friends and rekindled with old. I've been able to spend more time with my best friend without feeling guilty. I've grown some balls and finally slid into the DM's of someone I've well fancied for ages. I've felt bad about myself and had that overwhelming feeling of 'no ones gunna love me I'm ugly' and then told myself to shut up (this happens often) and move on. I've done a lot and not all good but fuck me has it been fun.

 I've been left on read, I've gone out to a indie kind of rock night, not drunk and had the BEST time. I've been on dates and also found that no one is quite like my ex and that is a good thing. I've been mugged off by boys like you wouldn't believe but also I think I may have potentially mugged off a few boys as well. I've laughed and cried. I've glammed up and on multiple occasionally looked like a sack of poo the morning after. I've gained a few kind of if you squint abs. And I've still not been able to delete the pictures and videos or even listen to the songs that remind me of who was in my life four months ago and who aren't sadly in my life now.

So although I had the 'worst' intro to the start of my twenties I've actually also had the best. Being an adult means taking a few hits but learning to deal with them by yourself whether that be by getting so drunk you cry or throw up or whether that be by the way to deal with being dumped is to eat your body weight in cookie dough to then bounce back and get the revenge body. But most importantly you have to learn how to cope with it yourself. Sure we have people around us but we need to know what we have done wrong and right, how to know our self-worth and most importantly who we should have in our lives to make it as stress free as possible.

Hiya twenties, let's have a bit of fun.

Soph x

I Have Regrets

F*** THE SYSTEM

I think in life we always regret something. Could be small or big. Little or huge. Could be meaningless or it could of meant quite a lot. We all say you should never regret a single thing in life because it's too short but whose to say we can't regret the things that's caused us too much pain we didn't need. I guess in a way that looks like we are running away from our problems but could it just be that we didn't want to feel the hurt?

I dunno about you but I regret a person. I regret the time I spent on them, I regret the messages I sent them with my unlimited texts. I regret lying on the sofa watching a programme I couldn't understand, the events I missed so I could just be with them. I regret it all. I don't think that's me running away from it but I think it's me wishing away a part of my life I wish I never had to go through. I don't regret the things that made me stronger or the things that taught me valuable lessons. No. I regret this one person because I'm being made to feel a way I shouldn't be made to feel. I feel like someone has control of me even though the thought of me doesn't even go through their mind, and I feel like I'll never forget any of these emotions or feelings. That's why I regret it because it changed who I am for the worse and to me, that's the worst kind of pain.

So do you know what? Who cares if I regret something, I can't take the time back even though I want to SO I at least want the feeling that I'm in control of this situation. I want to say 'I wish this never happened and I wish I never met you' because it makes me feel better about a scenario I will never be able to adapt.

Live each day like it's your last and regret whatever the bloody hell YOU want.

Soph

Karma, You Bitch

KINDA A BAD PERSON KINDA DON'T CARE

This last month has been bizarre to say the least. I've never really been one to believe in Karma but I've honestly had so many things happen to me in the last four or five weeks that I must of been Henry the 8th in a past life or something. 

I've done many stupid things that I wouldn't consider to be very Soph like and I've done really great and kinda brave things that again I wouldn't really consider to be a very me like thing but here we are and for some reason I have an extremely guilty conscious. I feel bad and actually seriously disappointing in myself. Not to the point I'm not going out and enjoying myself or anything like that but more like if I get a moment to myself (which is often) then my mind will wonder and think about stuff to the point I can put myself in a bit of a sad mood. 

I'm not trying to get a pity party or anything like that, promise. But I feel like at times you really do have to sit back and look at the moments where you gave in and reacted badly to a situation that maybe you wouldn't of reacted to in that way before and learn from it. I've really grown up this past month and let people go for their benefit and in other cases for mine. Some were extremely unexpected and kinda sad to think about but others have made me feel a sense of relief. And saying that I've gained closer relationships with people who were always there but I just felt so far from because I was so in my bubble. 

I don't want to feel guilty anymore and to be honest I really shouldn't because people have been quite shitty to me but you live and learn and I will never stop overthinking. I will never stop putting people before myself and I will never stop feeling sad about losing people because fuck it I'm only bloody human and I should be allowed to mess up. I should be allowed to be dramatic over certain things. And I should be allowed to feel like someone has royally fucked up because they lost me. Sorry not bloody sorry. 

So to my guilty conscious and my overthinking brain... have a day off because losing people, being mugged off constantly and being made to see red might just try you a tiny bit crazy too x 

Henry the 8th has nothing on me.  

Soph x 

That Little Thing Called Love

LOVE...

Who needs it right? Just joking, Everyone needs it and everyone deserves it. It's hard to deal with it because sometimes it sucks and then other times it's the best thing in the world but I think that's what that word truly means. It means ups and downs and being able to get through it. 

It means that sometimes you have to let people go because they or you deserve better and trust me that's a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes it means two people will always come back together because it's right (I'm hoping this one for myself but have little hope) and sometimes it means being insanely happy with yourself, a friend, a partner or with a family member with huge bumps but you never get out of the car. 

I say that I personally love really hard when it comes down to someone I can see in my future and I would say it's my best trait. I don't regret any part of any type of love I've ever shown even if it's backfired and I've fallen straight on my arse or when I get it in return. However I'm not someone who begs for love anymore, I fight for it instead and I don't think that's a bad thing either. I won't lie I am a man hater. I wasn't but here I am again back at it. But I will still fight for whatever I believe in. 

So send that person you love a hand written letter, tell them that they look nice, fight for someone you believe in until you can't fight anymore and most importantly love yourself as well because although sometimes it seems like you can't (and I promise you I know that feeling) but if you don't then how do you expect to know how you should be loved by another. 

You may spend days/weeks/months looking through old photos, crying to chick flicks while eating one too many tubs of ice cream, feeling like you can't possible find someone else but if the person is worth it then fight and even if they aren't cry a bit more, pick yourself up and show them what they are missing. Oh and don't forget to shower. 

We can all get through the crazy rollercoaster that is Love, I promise. 

Soph x 

What I've Learnt In 20 Years

GOODBYE TEENAGE YEARS

For me, the last twenty years of my life has been a rollercoaster like I'm sure it has been for the rest of us but as I woke up on the 13th of July 2018 one thought ran threw my mind.... I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. After I had a mini meltdown in my brain that I was no longer able to use the excuse that I'm a teenager I thought long and hard about the twenty years I've lived, until my boyfriend snored so loud I nearly burst an eardrum. 

I've learnt that no matter how HARD I try, I will just never have a salad over a large meaty pizza. I will never get over the fear of being in confined spaces (thanks to my brother and sister for that one) so much so I can't even think about them without feeling like I can't breathe. I will never enjoy sand in my toes or watching (brace yourself for this one) Spongebob Squarepants. I will never stop going to gigs even though my bank account cries at the thought of them. But I have learnt a few things that I hope will help me in my older years, things that will help me grow as a person.

I've learnt that I love hard and easy. Not easy in the sense that you can say hi and i'll be your number one fan but more like I fall in love with people easy when I see characteristics in them that I want to be like. I fall easy when I see someone with a good heart and intentions. I also fall REALLY easy if they have curly hair, can play guitar and is called Brad from the Vamps... just joking... or am i.... I am seriously not. 

I have learnt that you have to be kind and polite without any intentions behind your actions. You should do things just because and not for something. But with learning that I have also learnt that most of the time it does go unnoticed and you rarely get the kindness in return so keep your head up, don't get disappointed and carry on. One kind gesture goes a long way even if it's just you who knows it. 

Encouraging people with their dreams and goals is something that didn't take me long to figure out. I love how passionate people get and how they really involve themselves with what they love whether I am into it or not. Being supportive of someone can really do a lot without you or them realising it so let your boyfriend play guitar for hours on end even if you did want to watch love island, take photos for someone who is invested in their fashion/blog/instagram and feed the cat every weekend when your parents are running drift events for a drift family who love them just as much as I do. 

It is OKAY to not be OKAY. Sometimes I feel like I can't even leave my room because I'm pretty down and all I want is to face my bed and not the world. Some days I wake up fresh and ready for the day. Both of those situations are okay and no one is going to be perfect all the time. Speak about it, learn the best personal ways to deal with it, watch chick flicks all day while eating your body weight in chocolate but most importantly grow from it, it can only get easier if you let it. 

I have been taught so so so many things in the 2 decades of my existence but the one thing that will always be the most important is to stay true to yourself. There is only one me at the end of the day so I have to be the best version of myself on the good and the bad days, the days where I lose friendships and the days when I gain them, the days I can't wait to get to work and the days I can't wait for it to end and the days where I'm proud, happy, sad, annoyed, anxious, determined, passionate, tired and most importantly the days when I'm the kindest, most generous and most loving I can be. 

Happy twenty years to me.

Soph x